WHEATON, Ill. — A judge has ordered a 60-day jail sentence for an Illinois man accused of stealing a $1,500 Pomeranian puppy and blowing marijuana smoke into its face until it passed out.

In sentencing 19-year-old Emanuel Lopez on Wednesday, DuPage County Judge John Kinsella said only the bottom rung of humanity abuses animals for their amusement.

Lopez pleaded guilty in May to stealing the puppy on March 21 from a Petland store in Naperville. The dog was returned to the store three days later and has since been adopted.

What a jacknut! I mean, really…what kind of goof do you have to be to waste good weed?

When Ryan Langsdorf casts his romantic eye on the fairer sex, he stops at nothing to woo her into some alone time.

Langsdorf, 28, and Ashley Moyer, 23, both of Portland, Oregon, were found in a section of the Mount Tabor Reservoir at 3 a.m. Saturday during a spell of unusually hot weather. They were cited for trespassing.

They were skinny dipping.

The reservoir, which serves as a main source of water for the nearby town, had to be drained of millions of gallons of water while the treatment facility was closed for cleaning.

Jacknut love: Ain’t it grand?

This jacknut’s determined.

Jacknut Headline Of The Week: “New rule at the pool: no holding your breath.” ~ From the Charleston (WV) Daily Mail, headlining a story on the ban of underwater children’s games.

Christian Choir Director Rocky Twyman, from the D.C. area, has had enough of rising gasoline prices, and is skipping the usual protests and going directly to The Man who can do something about it.

He’s asking God to lower the price on a gallon of petro.

WSAZ reports: “The choir director from the Washington, D.C., area has come to Toledo with what he calls his “Pray at the Pump Movement.” Twyman says politicians have been unable to do anything about rising fuel costs, so it’s time to ask God to intervene and lower prices.

He planned to lead pray-ins Friday at two local service stations, followed by a 12-hour prayer vigil at Toledo First Seventh-day Adventist Church.

Church Pastor Mike Fortune read about Twyman and invited him to come to town.

I guess there are plenty of other Christians praying for world peace and personal serenity that Twyman can spare the time to ask God to effect the supply and demand of oil-based products. While he’s at it, there are a couple of other things I wish Twyman would add to his prayer list:

1. That Wal*Marts across the country would co-exist with small time store-front business, and that the discount store would provide better benefits and wages to its employees;

2. That election day in November gets here quicker, for two reasons: (1) so that we may be rid of George W. faster than otherwise, and (2) so we don’t have to endure the negative campaigning and inane questioning that occurs in the general election;

3. That cigarettes would actually be healthy, so that I could go back to my pack a day;

4. That Oprah is discovered to be the fraud that she is;

5. That I wake up tomorrow and little a little more like Brad Pitt.

I’ve been praying for those things for years. Maybe God will listen to this guy, instead. 

Curious just how thoughtless, selfish and uncaring people can be?

This video proves it: we’re over-run by jacknuts.

When I walked into the den, The Duct Tape Bandit was hunched over the desk, scribbling away on a tattered piece of paper. I almost walked out — he looked rather busy, with the ragged tape hanging off his head while he worked hard at something — but my curiosity overcame me.

“Whatcha writing, Bandit?”

He stopped, and spun the chair around.

“Jokes, for my new gig at Da Funny Bone. I’m goin’ to da Amature Mic Nite dis weekend, an’ I’m workin on some new material. Da ol’ jokes ’bout “I Ain’t No Duct Tape Bandit” are gettin’ sorta old.”

I agreed.

“Tell me a couple of the jokes, Bandit. I wanna hear your material.” I sat down in the Lazy-Boy, and wished I had some popcorn.

“De’re sorta one-liners, ’cause one-liners are easiest to make-up. Let’s see…” He combed the edges of the duct tape over his ear, and cleared his throat.

“I love watermelon and fried chicken…and I ain’t even black!”

I shifted, nervously.

“Here’s another one: “I’m real stingy with my money…and I ain’t even Jewish!”

I kicked the audomen aside, and sat up fast.

 ”Listen, Bandit, those aren’t jokes you should be making. First of all, they’re not really jokes. They’re stereotypes about whole groups of people, and on the whole they’re not true. And when you make those jokes, you’re continuing to dehumanize and disrespect different cultures, races and ethnicities. Reducing people to a stereotype isn’t just a politically incorrect thing; when you do that, you perpetuate the stigma and a mindset that enables mistreatment. “

The Bandit cleared his throat again, and shifted his weight. “Here’s one I’m working on: A Pollock walks into a bar…”

I couldn’t hear any more. “Stop! Just stop, man. I can’t let you take that act on the road. Why can’t you understand this? Stereotype and stigma creates dehumanization, prejudice and mistreatment.”

“Dude, ” The Bandit said, “I dunno whach you’re talkin’ ’bout. If these one-liners are good enough for da Vice President, then dey are good enough for ol’ Duct Tape. Plain ‘n simple. Da second most powerful man in da world can laugh at West Virginny, I can laugh at other groups of people too.”

I can’t fault the jacknut’s logic.

Good riddance, Dick Cheney. You, sir, are a true jacknut.

For me, it’s less what he said and mostly that he ‘fessed up he didn’t need to watch his language any longer.

I wish he had been less thoughtful of what he said back in ‘02.

Jacknut Quote Of The Week: “I pleaded not guilty, but I might as well have pleaded guilty. They said they had the evidence and there was no other way out, so what am I supposed to do?” ~ The Reverend Calvin Perry, of Kenova, West Virginia, after the 75-year-old was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. (The video is here.)

I think the minister missed an opportunity on developing his defense: The elderly Perry should have proclaimed that, like Jesus, he was consorting with prostitutes in order to save them from eternal damnation.

Of course, that doesn’t explain the bottle of Viagra in his pocket. [ba-dump-bump]

My thanks to Route 75 for the story. The writer of Useless Drivel is the Religion Correspondent for The Jacknut Chronicles.

Michelle Malkin is a jacknut.