Jacknuts Rarely Do The Math

52 year old male

+

A pastor of 26,000 member Christian megachurch

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Online conversation of a sexual nature with a girl he thought was 13

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200 mile drive to the meet-up

+

A web-cam and a box of condoms in the car

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JACKNUT

How To Use A Jack-Knife: The Jacknut Way

From WSAZ News:

CHARLESTON, W.Va. – Kanawha County Sheriff’s Deputies say they were responding to a call concerning a fight when a man stabbed a cruiser with a knife.

According to the criminal complaint, Michael Paul McCune stabbed the left front fender and then took off running. The deputy later caught up with him.

No one was hurt, but we’re told the cruiser was scratched and dented.

On The Jacknuttiness Of Blogebrity

How To Tell If You Aspire To Reach “Blogebrity” Status:
A Checklist

1. You scan PopCandy and Entertainment Weekly web sites daily, hoping to find third-generation videos of Amy Winehouse smokin’ on a crack pipe that you can embed into your blog.
2. When asked for your social security number, you absent-mindedly provide your blogspot.com password.
3. You use words like “embed” and “link” to arouse your significant other during lovemaking.
4. You think of readers as “fans.”
5. Choosing between private, mundane social activity and blogging is too hard, so you do both.
6. More than twice a day, you’ve thought to yourself: ” What can I blog about now that people will like?”.
7. Your blood pressure soars when Sitemeter reports a reduction in visits.
8. You no longer debate internally the narcissistic qualities associated with blogging.
9. At least once, you’ve wondered about the possibility of getting a press pass based on your blogger “credentials.”
10. Your blog’s technorati ranking number is tattooed on your forearm.

This Kid Makes Me Feel Like A Jacknut

“Who ya gonna vote for?” my wife asked over the weekend. I shrugged it off by mumbling something-or-other, and then went back to my nap. I was tired, you see, from all the comic book reading I’d done earlier that morning.

“Did you see this story about the kid selling his bike to raise funds for Hillary?” she asked, with what sounded like mother-ish approval.

I wiped the drool from my chin, and asked “Hillary who?” My nap was looking like history.

“It’s a great story, about a kid from Williamson, WV, who sold his bike to raise money for Hillary Clinton’s presidential bid.” She started to read to me from the paper. I stopped her.

“Why would a kid do that–sell his damn bike–for a person he didn’t know?” I started to ponder if I wasn’t really still asleep and just having a surreal dream.

There was a long, long pause before she answered.

“Because he cared.”

I wasn’t able to go back to sleep.

 

Jacknuts In Training: Part 2

What the hell are they teaching students at West Virginia University?

First, students unhappy with former coach Whats-His-Name taunt the coach and his family as they board a plane to Meeshigan. Now, some of the blue and gold professionals-in-training have turned their attention to the HeatherGate clusterfuck.

According to the Charleston (WV) Daily Mail, fliers were printed up and distributed across campus, stating: “Kill the candidacy of Joe Manchin,” and “You really shouldn’t kill a WVU BOG member today.” Except, “the candidacy of” and “You really shouldn’t” were written in very small letters. So small, one had to get very close to a flier to actually read the small print. Otherwise, the fliers looked to read:

“Kill Joe Manchin,” and “Kill a BOG member today.”

This jacknuttiness transcendes ridiculous. In this age of campus shootings and serious safety concerns, the distributers of the fliers have progressed straight from being jacknuts into the relm of stupidity.

Plain and simple.

 

The Jacknut Calling The Jacknut A Jacknut

Jacknut Quote Of The Week: “It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character,” Jones told Us Weekly magazine.” ~ Star Jones, former co-host of The View and self-promoter extraordinaire, reacting to Barbara Walters’ reflections that Jones’ extravagant wedding and mysterious weight loss negatively effected viewership of the talk show.

Hopin’-You-Don’t-Notice-I’m-Outta-Touch Jacknut

Not-So-Transparent Jacknuttery

News cycles are funny. Get news out of a Friday afternoon, let it simmer over the weekend while the full-time reporters are on the golf course and watch the story grow on a Monday. Before you know it, four or five days have passed since the new story was put into motion, and the conversation has changed.

It’s a shell game. One played by political jacknuts.

Late Friday afternoon West Virginia University announced a lengthy contract extension for WVU basketball coach Bob Huggins. According to Talkline host Hoppy Kercheval, Huggins, who was signed to what probably amounts to a lifetime contract with the blue and gold, said: “Mike (Garrison) and I are going to be here a long time.”

Huh?

Too often in West Virginia, our inoculation for a lifestyle of isolation, poverty and cronyism is WVU sports. We enjoy the wins, bowl games and tournament runs; they help us forget about our problems.

And, WVU President Mike Garrison is hoping they help us forget about his.

 

A Jacknut’s Guide To Wealth

My thanks to All Click, who writes the Jacknut Blotter and Obituary portions of The Jacknut Chronicles.

Bill Gates earned his billions through his obsession with technology. Donald Trump earned his wealth with ruthless real estate deals.

Fort Worth, Texas resident Ray Fuller didn’t have the skills or the business savvy to earn his the old fashioned way. He had only a stolen blank check and a pen.

FORT WORTH, Texas - Fort Worth police arrested a Crowley man accused of trying to cash a stolen check for billions of dollars. Police said Charles Ray Fuller, 21, tried to cash the check at a Chase Bank, but the teller did a double take after noticing the check was for $360 billion.

The check was made out to “Fulla Comp and Entertainment,” the record company Fuller wanted to start, NBC 5 reported.

Police said Fuller stole the check from Paula Prettyman, the mother of Fuller’s girlfriend, Andrea Greer.

[Prettyman's grandmother] said if her family had $360 billion, “I wouldn’t be sitting here. I’d be somewhere drinking margaritas. It’s five o’clock somewhere, sometime.”

Authorities said Fuller also had a gun and marijuana in his possession at the time of his arrest.

Of course he did.

A Jacknut Pleads

Cara, the Criminal Jacknuttery corespondent for The Jacknut Chronicles was quick to provide the details of Kasey Kazee’s –The Duct Tape Bandit– recent plea of “Guilty” to second degree robbery.

Here’s a link to the story, and a great video.  Really, I love this guy: The video shows police peeling the duct tape from Kazee’s face as he sits, handcuffed, of top of the loot he stole from the local liquor store, and he still denies he’s the Bandit.

It doesn’t get more jacnuttilicious than that.

Jacknut(s) On The Loose!

Charleston Daily Mail:

MARTINSBURG (WV) – Berkeley County’s nearly 17,000 students got a day off from school Wednesday after someone removed valve stems from tires on all of the 87 school buses kept at the county garage near Martinsburg.

The closure was posted on the West Virginia Department of Education Web site.

School spokeswoman Leah Catlett told WRNR-AM of Martinsburg that some of the buses had more than one valve missing. A bus driver discovered the vandalism a little before 5:30 a.m.

West Virginia State Police were surveying the damage and reviewing surveillance cameras to try to identify possible suspects.

A Jacknut Of All Trades

I heard the tap-tap-click of the desktop at furious speed last night, so I wiped out my tumbler and walked into the den. My buddy, The Duct Tape Bandit, was busy on the computer, writing a letter.

“What’s ya up to, Bandit?” Even while I asked, I was nervous about the answer. You just never know.

“I’m writin’ dis letter to da guy dat runs dose web sites where dey sell guns. You know, da guy who sold da guns to the Virginia Tech shooter, and to dat college shooter in Illinois. I want him to know I support what da dude is sayin’.”

He said “Illinois” with a hard “s” but I decided to let it go.

“Ah, you mean Eric Thompson, the on-line gun dealer. Why the hell are you writing him a letter?”

Writing isn’t the Bandit’s main gig, so I figured his reason for writing was important.

“Dude, dis Thompson guy visited Tech da other day, and says he wants people to start carrying congealed guns on campus. You know, for protection and all dat.”

He stopped writing, and turned around to talk.

“I think it’s “concealed,” Bandit. ” Concealed.”  So you’re telling me Thompson was at Va. Tech. to support the notion that people should be able to carry concealed guns on college campuses? Is that right?”

“Dat’s what dis says.“

And he pulled up the news page for me to read.

Sure enough, Eric Thompson was at Virginia Tech telling the people there he was sorry the gun that killed all those students came from his on-line gun site. But, he adds, if people buy more of his guns–at a low, low price!!– they could be safer.

And he would be richer.

“Bandit, put away the letter. This Thompson guy is a jacknut. First he sells the guns to the mentally ill folks who did all the killing, then he rides into town selling more guns to people who are frightened and want to defend themselves. This guy us evil, man. E.V.I.L. The worst kind of capitalist–the kind who makes the mess, then charges you to clean it up. “

Tap-tap-click…The Bandit, who has a very short attention span, was already looking back at his screen, and completing his letter of support. He didn’t have the time to think this one through, I suppose.

Too bad.

It’s a hard lesson to learn over and over and over again.

(Hoyt is the Political Commentator at The Jacknut Chronicles, and the person who nominated this jacknut. My thanks to Hoyt for his ever-keen eye for jacknuttiness.)

 

A Jacknut’s Guide To Power And Authority

Jacknut Quote Of The Month: “All I can hope for as a parent is that WVU’s leaders will correct whatever problems that led to this situation so that no other student will have to go through this kind of ordeal in the future.” ~ West Virginia Governor Joe Manchin, in a prepared press release, on the controversy surrounding his daughter, Heather Bresch, being awarded a graduate degree she did not earn.

Read more about this at the Fifth Column. If it hadn’t been for Hippie Killer, this story would have been buried in The Mountain State.

Like A Jacknut

Jacknut Quote Of The Week: “ I think he gets a raw deal, just as I think the orphans in Malawi get a raw deal, just as I think a lot of marginalized people get a raw deal.”  ~ Madonna, when asked during a New York magazine interview if she sympathizes with Tom Cruise.

I’ll have to keep that insight in mind the next time I’m annoyed with TomKat’s arrogance, and his annoying self-promotion. He’s just acting out on his “raw deal.”  Just like impoverished orphans, those who live with the challenges of mental illness and disability and abused children.

Bonnie And Clyde Jacknuts

From what I read in a recent Charleston (WV) Gazette news article, Melissa A. Brown and her half-brother Jeremy didn’t plan out the escape route they used after robbing a local bank very well. 

Mrs. Brown–who apparently took the day off from her job as a teacher at Stonewall Jackson Middle School to rob the First Sentry Bank in Barboursville– must not have realized what we Huntingtonians know agonizingly well:

Each and every summer, there is major interstate construction near Hal Greer Boulevard. So congested is the area that traffic, generally, comes to a standstill for miles. After driving into that mess after the hold-up, the Browns were caught like a fly in a spider-web.

Or more accurately, they were caught like a red Chevrolet Cavalier in a seasonal construction nightmare.

Interstate construction sites: the latest technology in law enforcement!